Minneapolis-based General Mills today announced the immediate retirement of the latest in its lineup of Lucky Charms shapes, "brown shits." According to the Jul. 14 release, this decision was made over the weekend, only three weeks after its introduction alongside the classic pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diamonds.

In the less than 10-minute press conference, General Mills spokesman Mike Daniels emphasized that there is no danger posed to consumers by the estimated 122,000 pounds that have already entered the retail distribution system. "We do not intend to issue a product recall at this time," he said, adding that analysis of the production process and facilities is providing no evidence to explain the widespread reports of spontaneous vomiting and sharp intestinal pains. "All tests clear our operations at this time, and we are confident that the final reports will fully vindicate our processing procedures," Daniels said. "However," he added, "we are currently investigating possible misconduct by interns in our marketing department." As an exclusive to this newspaper, a current employee of the General Mills marketing department spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, for fear of reprisals. Cindy (not his real name) claims to have direct evidence of misconduct among his colleagues. "Dude said he and his bud were going to figure out how to put actual shit in every box," Mark said. "I would see them go to the men's room together and come back laughing their asses off, giving each other high fives and dancing around. I just assumed they had both just gotten praise for the new Lucky Charms shape campaign they had just launched. I never did get a chance to read their marketing plan, and come to think of it, I don't think anyone did before it went over to the production division." "It looks to me that they managed to get actual shit added to the cereal," Cindy told us. He added, "I am so impressed with those guys. That totally rocks." The spokesperson refused questions and no General Mills executive had returned our calls by press time. # # #
General Mills quickly retires new Lucky Charms shape 'brown shits' by cocu.la is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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